I’m not great at sugar-coating. I know HOW to do it and I’m quite well at it, it’s just uncomfortable for me. So for the purposes of this blog, I’m not going to.
I’m going to get straight to the point and do what I’ve done since I started this blog and that is to share the truth with you. The honest to goodness ugly truth that’s hard to say out loud.
I completely totally fell off the wagon, into the black hole, in every way that is humanly possible.
I’ve still been eating clean 80% of the time and for a few weeks I kept up with workouts. But I have not stepped foot inside my gym in two weeks and you know who sabotaged me?
I am the ONLY person to blame for letting my negative thoughts and circumstances in life wash over me like an ocean tide and not getting back up immediately.
Have I ever told you guys that I want to be good at everything? Not just good, but I want to put 100% into every single thing I do and when I feel like I’m not doing that, I tend to be hard on myself. I literally woke up one day and realized that for months, I had been keeping up with this blog, six day a week workouts, 12 hours in school, a job, a house, a dog, and raising two little girls. With the end of their school year approaching, it seemed every day something came home in their backpacks. They need money for this, I need to take off work for this, they have to wear red on this day and a hat the next day. I don’t have every other week or weekend to re-group as a single mom, so I felt like life was eating me alive.
I completely, totally crashed. My wires got all crossed and short-circuited and suddenly I was mentally and physically exhausted every moment of every day. I wasn’t interested in any of the things I normally loved, I was doing the bare minimum just to get through the day, it was taking an act of GOD it seemed just to drag myself out of bed in the morning. One might say, oh yeah, so you got depressed, but the truth is, trying to do and be everything just caught up to me.
My dear friend has told me more than once that I have to learn to live in shades of grey. Life is not always black and white and it’s OKAY to let things go sometimes. The laundry doesn’t always have to be done, the house doesn’t have to be spotless and it’s okay to miss a workout when I really just need a break.
Sometimes, I think we really just need a good cry, a week long pity party, and a nice cheeseburger binge to bring things back into perspective.
Here is the good news. I changed jobs after three years of being in a position that I didn’t feel challenged and that has helped tremendously. I leaned on every person who constantly offers to be there for me. I put my pride aside and just told my close friends, “I’m having a really tough time dealing with life right now and I feel completely overwhelmed.” I accepted that being a single mom is the TOUGHEST job I have or will ever have and would test the strength of even the strongest woman.
All this to say, I am at my best when fitness and health is at the forefront of my life, so it’s non-negotiable to let it go too long. Hiatus is one thing, but removing it from my lifestyle can’t happen. What the past month has shown me however is that I cannot possibly be superwoman in the gym, at home, at work, and not have a mental breakdown so there has to be a better balance in my life.
What that perfect balance is still remains to be seen and will probably require some tweaking, but I will find it. I do know that I want this blog to be about my life and all that encompasses, not just eating and exercise.
Most importantly, I have to keep going. KEEP GOING! 🙂
I am going out of town for the holiday, for some much needed fun and relaxation with the Adorables and some of our best friends. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday!